You come from a strong line of lunatics."

They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did." It was my pick-me-upper. I’ll run up the score on you. If you're talking to your company's IT guy…, If you're talking to a cat owner who thinks their pet is "family…", If you're being told by your tax accountant that you're probably going to be audited….

And for more great laughs, check out these 50 Amazing Jokes From Comedy Legends. Thinking Of Something To Say After An Argument Is Over Is The Worst Feeling. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured. 16. ", "I'm not going to pay taxes. "I can't eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I'm lack-toast intolerant.". — ​Unknown, "When you feel worthless, remember you were once the quickest sperm cell." 40 Funny Quotes To Live By When You're Feeling Down In The Dumps, 25 Funny Inspirational Quotes To Start Your Day Off Right, ways to get yourself to stop feeling down. ", "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. A: Three. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. ", "There's no need to repeat yourself. "The people in Saudi Arabia don't really like the Flintstones… But the people of Abu Dhabi do!". Feb 22, 2020 - Explore Monica Douglas's board "Funny anger quotes" on Pinterest. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say 'No, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. We’ve teamed up with our trusty pals at the Dictionary of American Regional English (DARE) to liven up your livid language. ", "Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. Funny quotes and silly memes can be a relief when life starts to bring you down. For quotes from the most inspiring celebs, activists, and poets, look no further! Pour autoriser Verizon Media et nos partenaires à traiter vos données personnelles, sélectionnez 'J'accepte' ou 'Gérer les paramètres' pour obtenir plus d’informations et pour gérer vos choix. —​ Unknown, "Never look backwards or you'll fall down the stairs." I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.". And for more great jokes, check out these 50 Amazing Jokes You Can Text to Friends. I’ll beat you like I’m your daddy. If you are tired of having the same boring answer, then try out these funny and witty answers to the question “How are you?” They are called: Saturday and Sunday." We've all been there: knowing the best comebacks to say after the argument is over. Whether it be your boss overlooking you, your car breaking down or your significant other giving you a hard time, life always seems to have a funny way of making us feel crappy. —​ Unknown, "Don't forget to drink water and get some sun. "I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.". RELATED: 20 Cute, Funny Love Quotes To Make Him Laugh Again After You Have A Fight. Similar formula, having to do with beating someone up so thoroughly that [insert funny consequence here]. If you know anything about this character, you'll know that George is so adamant to use his comeback on that co-worker that he actually flies to Ohio from New York just to try and set up the scenario again! "I'm gonna lay you out, if you don't shut the **** up". —​ Unknown, "Everything is figureoutable." All Rights Reserved.

We've collected 20 of the most hilarious jokes that are perfect distractions for every type of awkward scenario. but it will pass." Opening the journal for just the third time in two years, I took a second to re-read the inside cover. "I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy." Otherwise you're just an ass. Just like that Justin Timberlake song... "If you have a problem with me than cry me a river and drown yourself in it. ", RELATED: 50 Funny, Positive Quotes To Help You Keep Your Chin Up​, "When someone calls you stupid, say, 'Yeah, you're rubbing off on me. And if you're reading these funny quotes and hilarious insults, I'm sure you have too. (Credit: Sarah Thyre), "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? ", "If you ran like your mouth you'd be in good shape. If you're feeling extra ambitious and slightly willing to risk your job, there's even have zingers for the notorious cranky customer.

As if you needed any further reason to look and feel your best. "Of course I talk like an idiot. (Credit: Mitch Hedberg).

Thinking Of Something To Say After An Argument Is Over Is The Worst Feeling. Only problem is, the moment's already over!

— Kute Blackson, "When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars." Zing! — ​Erbert Hubbard, "Why be moody when you can shake yo booty?" Browse endless inspiration and create mood boards to share with friends or save for later. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in. © 2020 by Tango Media Corporation All Rights Reserved. And for more on first dates, check out these 40 Irresistible First Date Ideas. ", RELATED: The 50 Best Funny Quotes To Share With Your Most Hilarious Friends, "If someone call you boring say, 'Yeah, and what makes you so exciting? FunSubstance.com - Constant updates of the funniest, most awesome, & best entertaining stuff on the web! Informations sur votre appareil et sur votre connexion Internet, y compris votre adresse IP, Navigation et recherche lors de l’utilisation des sites Web et applications Verizon Media. —​ Unknown, "If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"

If you're also addicted to great memes, check out these 30 Funniest Memes of All Time. This works better when the beatdown is outsourced, but it still works.

It might pass like a kidney stone. '", "If you can't be a good example, then you'll have to be a terrible warning." You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even.'" If you're going to try and insult me, at least be grammatically correct.

It was a birthday gift I had received from my mom years before. I ignored you just fine the first time. Discover photos, videos and articles from friends that share your passion for beauty, fashion, photography, travel, music, wallpapers and more. Yahoo fait partie de Verizon Media. —​ Unknown, "The  only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality." Quotes. They're running out of shrimp.". Last summer was filled with disappointment for me and I found myself constantly feeling low. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get." Inspiring Growth and Success. The real story behind the NCAA basketball tournament's bankable nickname. '", "No I'm not insulting you — I'm describing you. RELATED: 25 Funny Inspirational Quotes To Start Your Day Off Right. Listed here are more than 100 alternative ways to express it. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group, If you just forgot someone's name or called someone by the wrong name…, If you're on a first date and it's not going well…, If you're giving a speech to a crowd full of strangers…, If you've forgotten the birthday of somebody important…, If the car mechanic is explaining what's wrong with your car and you have no clue what any of it means…, If somebody with whom you disagree politically wants to discuss conflicts in the Middle East…, If you're the only adult in a room full of children…, If you're getting dressed in the gym and the guy at the next locker keeps talking to you…, If you're getting a haircut and you're out of conversation topics for the barber…, If you're having breakfast with your girlfriend's parents and she's still asleep…, If you're making a wedding toast for a couple you barely know…, If you're the oldest (and most employed) person at a comics convention…, If you're at a dinner party and you spilled your drink on the host's rug…, If you're talking to parents you don't know at a playdate…, If your best friend wants your honest opinion about his singing abilities…, If you're in a job interview that you're pretty sure you're tanking…. —​ Josh Billings, "Well apparently Rock Bottom has a basement." But With The Best Comebacks To Tuck Into Your Brain, And Funny Quotes For Every Circumstance, You'll … '", "There are two sides to every story, but you're a douche in both of them.". Please continue while I take notes. 40 Dumb Wordplay Jokes That Will Crack You Up. If you're a Seinfeld fan, you'll remember George Costanza being insulted by his co-worker while George is eating shrimp during a work meeting.

— Unknown, "When sh!t happens turn it into fertilizer." You are not a tree." "Don't you think it's amazing that 200 of us all came together tonight and we all chose the same meal?". Alexis George is a writer who covers love, relationship advice, astrology and personality topics. I'm too busy mentally correcting your errors to be offended. You’re in luck. —​ Unknown, "Life is short. Stick to a thing till you get there." 20 Things You Should Never Do at Weddings, 40 Corny Jokes You Can't Help But Laugh At, 15 Answers That Will Tank Any Job Interview, 5 Best Ways to Avoid Getting Audited by the IRS. —​ Unknown, "This too shall pass.

10 Funniest Tweets About Mark Zuckerberg's Congressional Testimony. Life is filled with awkward moments, where we don't quite know what to say and the silence only seems to make everything worse.

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